This image is from an original oil by Catherine G. Colver
Description: two evergreens suspended in a night sky grow from entangled roots to trace the edges of a full moon bending toward each other and coming very close at their tops. This was a wedding present from my sister. I see it now as a work of art that foretold the future.
During our years back in Florida, we spent most of our time together. The only times we were not, were when I was bowling, or Joni was off to the Brandon Mall with her mother. We grew even closer. Joni was right when she told one of her friends that we were soul mates. It took her passing for me to fully grasp what that meant. I just knew our loving relationship was very special.During our years back in Florida, we spent most of our time together. The only times we were not, were when I was bowling, or Joni was off to the Brandon Mall with her mother. We grew even closer. Joni was right when she told one of her friends that we were soul mates. It took her passing for me to fully grasp what that meant. I just knew our loving relationship was very special.
But what exactly is a soul mate? Not surprisingly, the roots of the term lie in Greek mythology. The details of the Greek myth of the soul mate are bizarre to say the least: an angry Zeus, hermaphrodites split in two and doomed to forever search for their other halves. Yikes! Grizzly details notwithstanding, humanity seems to have found the idea of a search for a perfect mate appealing. After nearly 2500 years it is still very much a part of the human psyche and can be found in books and poetry and even the writings of psychologists and the like. Not everyone is a believer.
I chanced upon an article on the Psychology Today website by Dr. Shauna Springer entitled “The Fallacy of the Soul Mate.” Rather than try to explain her views, quoting a section from part I of her blog will do a much better job.
The concept of finding a soul mate is riddled with logical errors, however, the biggest of which is the idea that our personalities are fixed and unchanging over the course of life (a close second would be the statistical improbability that teena in towns with tiny populations across America seem to keep meeting their soul mates in their very own high schools).
In other words, the soul mate idea implies that we are the way we are (with a number of fixed attributes and personality factors) and that there is one other person who is a perfect match for us due to their collection of complementary attributes and personal qualities. The goal in finding one's soul mate is to identify this person, and the assumption is that once this person has been correctly identified, it will be smooth sailing because the two halves have become reunited.
And later, there is this:
The next several blogs will further describe how a belief in “soul mates” often sets couples up for failure.
I can only rely on our experience, but this is simply not how it worked for us. Dr. Springer relies completely on the details of the Greek myth for her definition of soul mate. After 2500 years rattling around in the human psyche, one might argue that the concept of soul mate has evolved. I rely on Charles Dickens for my understanding of soul mate.
In a word, it was impossible for me to separate her in the past or in the present from the inner most life of my life.
Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
I do not believe there is a better modern definition of soul mate. Unlike the myth, that state of being develops over time. It does not ordinarily happen instantly when couples first meet, but I would never rule that out. The sudden mutual infatuation and the love that follows between a young couple may well lead there and the romantics among us may wish it would. But it does not come without efforts from both partners. And in the final analysis, are we not simply talking about couples who have grown especially close? Why not believe in the possibility of that?
I did not know what to expect after Joni was no longer with me. The time from her initial diagnosis of triple negative breast cancer to the months we spent with hospice extended over three years: chemotherapy, surgery, radiation treatment, and then a far too short break from it all when I thought we might be clear. We took several trips together and enjoyed time with Joni’s family, who had been right there with us through every phase. But then it returned, and it came back more vicious than ever.
We signed up for hospice, so Joni could remain at home. That was a difficult time for all of us caregivers: me, her mother, and her brother. We struggled through emotionally as best we could. Nurse Susie from LifePath came by every Friday to boost our spirits and address any pain issues. Joni faced her passing with calm and dignity. To be with her was both inspiring and heartbreaking.
Joni knew I was bound to have a difficult time after her passing. “She was concerned about you,” one of her friends wrote me in a consoling email. She had good reasons, but I will not belabor those. I will simply say she knew me inside and out and had helped me through periodic bouts of depression. She was our anchor and, as George Jones sang in tribute to his wife, she was my rock. As Nurse Susie quickly noticed, Joni was the love of my life.
Before Joni passed away, she arranged with the help of her friend Pam something that helped me through those early days when I would wake and think for just an instant that she was still there beside me. I received emails from the friends she had nurtured over her life, some going back to her teenage years, others she had befriended during her work years in Ft. Myers, Nashville and later with M*Modal. There were breast cancer survivors whom she had been in touch with as well. Those emails will always be among my personal treasures.
How did we manage to grow so close? The decision not to have children was certainly a contributing factor, but there was much more to it than that. We were aware of and willing to admit our own shortcomings, and we accepted those we discovered in each other. Not just accepted though, more like embraced: another set of understandings to join the others we held inside about each other. And yet our relationship was in no way restrictive. We supported each other’s interests as we pursued our own. I will not say we did not affect each other. We certainly did. On my part, I credit Joni for my shift from a love of movies to a love of books. And I know Joni was happy with the adventures we shared.
Since one of the parties in the relationship was a blind person, many might think this was a one-sided relationship. Far from it. We took care of each other in many ways. I am convinced Joni would have handled my passing much better than I handled hers. I may have been more adventurous, but Joni was the stronger one. Due to our age difference, she believed she would probably end up, as she put it, old and alone. As for me, I was in no way prepared for her passing.
The emptiness I felt overwhelmed me. I had been through deeply emotional episodes before, but this hit a level I could not possibly have anticipated. I return to Dickens for a relevant quote:
The broken heart. You think you will die, but you just keep living, day after day after day after terrible day.
Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
I did not believe I was going to die, but the days and nights were indeed terrible. Joni’s passing transformed my thinking about death. The thought of my own passing did not trouble me at all, and that is still true today. She showed me that death is not the end.
Joni left behind an enormous treasure trove of poetry that she found and saved over the years. There are files and folders full of poetry on her computer, on thumb drives and saved on a 1 terabyte external hard drive. I have barely scratched the surface of these files and I did find one poem that Joni wrote, a very perceptive one about a girl growing up. I believe there are more, but I have not found them yet. I could tell after sampling some of the poems she saved that those poems, along with the countless books she read, were all part of her way of exploring the sighted world. Her personal path through life was paved with words stretching out before her in patterns only she could see. A rich inner life indeed.
And finally, some gratitudes from this league bowler. Joni’s mom and brother are top on the list. They were wonderful through all of this. Ben was like a brother to me. They will stay with me wherever I end up. And my family in Pennsylvania: my sister and her husband, my nephew and his family, and my niece and her husband. A family of golfers (not much into bowling) arranged for a couple of outings at the local bowling center. That was above and beyond. They were all supportive and I owe them many thanks.
To my fellow bowlers (you too, GH) at Oakfield Lanes and to their wonderful staff I do not believe I could have gotten through the last three years without your friendships. It was the only place I was able to hide from reality. At least for a time. And what do I say about Andy? My gosh! We were Ralph and Ed from The Honeymooners, we were Ollie and Stan from Laurel and Hardy, we were Swigeon and Wu from Deadwood with Andy asking, “Why am I always the fat one.” I owe him and his wife more than I can ever repay.
This will be the last issue of Amandus’s Newsletter. I was new to Substack when I started the newsletter. I wish now I had chosen a more appropriate name. I will know better next time. Will there be a next time? I am not sure. If there is a next time, I will send out invitations. Do not feel compelled to subscribe. Do so only if my description of future content sounds interesting to you.
I will close with a poem Joni found and saved when we were still in Nashville:“Her Journey's Just Begun” by E Brenneman.
Don’t think of her as gone away-
Her journey’s just begun,
Life holds so many facets-
This earth is only one.
Just think of her as resting
From the sorrows and the tears
In a place of warmth and comfort
Where there are no days and years.
Think how she must be wishing
That we could know today
How nothing but our sadness
Can really pass away.
And think of her as living
In the hearts
Of those she touched…
For nothing loved
Is ever lost-
And she was loved…so much.
To my readers: thanks so much for sticking with me over the past year. I wish you all the very best.
What a wonderful tribute to Joni, and a perfect description of your current painful journey. You gave your perspective of the "soul mates" concepts, and here is mine: you two certainly personified the "soul mate" concept. I always marveled at what a perfectly complimentary duo you were. From my perspective as Joni's brother, it was extremely clear that she could never have found a more perfect life partner. It was as obvious to us onlookers as it was to you yourself. I want to thank you so much for being such a perfect mate for Joni, for all that you did for her through the years. I love you like a brother, and you are, and will always be, family. I wish I knew of a way to ease your pain as you struggle through your loss. I would certainly do whatever I could, but a hole in the heart of that size can never be healed, only comforted. I do offer my sympathies and empathies, for what that might be worth. I've loved your blog, and will certainly be an instant subscriber should you decide to do another one. Love ya!